The Weight of the World

I was laying in bed last night trying to remember what it felt like to feel her wiggling in my belly.

Yesterday was a bad day. One of the worst I’ve had since her funeral. Then again, I’m still in search of a good day. The day started easy enough, Darcy and I went to get our passports renewed at the passport office. We’ve decided to take a vacation to try and get some sun on our bodies and our souls. Life is depressing enough here in the winter months in Newfoundland without all of the added torture in our lives right now. After that was done we went to see my doctor.

I stopped taking my blood pressure meds earlier this week when my blood pressure started returning to normal and the pills were driving it down much too low. So she had me repeat some blood work and go see her.

After the formalities of my blood work were discussed I asked the questions I’ve been longing to have answered “when can we try again?”.

My mind kind of went numb after the first few sentences. She said most people (I have no idea who these people are) recommend you wait a year to try again after something like this happens to recover mentally. My heart ached. Then she said that she usually suggests 6 months. Ache again. I don’t want to wait that long, I can’t. What may hurt one person might help heal another. And I know that actively trying to get pregnant again is something that’s going to help me get through this. I know I have to wait some time, but 6 months seems like a lifetime to me right now when I have so much trouble just seeing past the moon to tomorrow when I go to sleep at night.

Then she said what hurt the most. In reviewing everything in my file and considering everything that went wrong, the only thing we have that we can actually fix is my weight. Breakdown. Emotional breakdown. My weight is something I have struggled with my entire life however, when I got pregnant I was the smallest I’ve ever been. I’m not meant to be a skinny girl, I have hips, and an ass (that I love) and curves. But I’ll never be smaller than a size 12. That’s just how my body was made. I know this after years of struggle with my weight and my self-image and self worth. I had made peace with that. And now all I can hear in my head is “because you’re fat your baby died”. I know that’s not what she said, not even what she’s implying and its the furthest thing from the truth. people, much bigger than i have ever been, give birth to happy healthy babies all of the time. But my mind is playing all kinds of strange tricks on me these days, and the only thing she says I have control over is the one thing I know I can’t change. I have weight to lose now, and I will try my damned hardest to get it off and get it off quickly (I’m already back in my jeans that I was wearing when I first got pregnant, two weeks after delivery) but even then, will that be enough to make things safer for Everlee’s brother or sister? Will she tell me it’s not safe enough for me to try again? I already know that I can’t get pregnant without medical intervention, so I need to have her support on this, but how do I make her see that this is not only what I want, but what I need to make my heart heal? No two people are the same in their grief.

She should have been born this week. They were going to induce me. We buried Everlee two weeks ago today. I can now say I have lived and survived two weeks in hell. Absolute and utter hell.

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, just trying to make it to tomorrow through all of the pain.

I miss you Everlee.


6 thoughts on “The Weight of the World

  1. Rhonda…my heart breaks for you. I only know you through Twitter…but if there was any way I could take away the hurt and bring back that strong, smart, witty girl I follow – I would.
    They say time heals all wounds – with time and the love and support of of family and friends – you adjust and it does get better. I sincerely hope and pray you find that place soon.
    Sending lots of good thoughts and Hugs…Take real good care my Twitter friend.

  2. oh Rhonda,
    my thoughts: try when you guys feel ready, if it happens its meant to be. you know your body better then anyone else.
    I want you to find peace and know that Everlee looks down on you each and every day, she is proud of her mom and dad. THanks for sharing more of your heart, we all love you girl

  3. Nothing you did or did not do caused this. Not a darned thing. You are a good mother, but the world throws all mothers curveballs of various proportions and you were tossed a horrific one that you could do nothing about.

    Your doctor is probably as distressed about this as anyone peripheral to it. She has likely been wracking her brain for things to say to you and explanations, when the simple matter is that sometimes really shitty things happen to nice people who don’t deserve them. In her mind, mentioning your weight was probably along the lines of, “I have no good way of explaining what happened other than chance and the only possible thing I can think of to improve your chances next time is reducing your weight. And maybe it will give you something to focus on for a few months before you start trying again.” She was looking for something to tell you to help and picked…. well, something that most women would find miserable to hear.

    Every single pregnancy is completely different. Some women have GD in one and not in another. Some women have hypertension in one and not in another. There is really no predicting it. Every mother-child relationship is unique. Next time will be its own thing. You will be fine however you choose to proceed. Women get pregnant within a few months of giving birth all the time. Make your own decisions. Go on that vacation and get some sun.

  4. Rhonda….When you broke your arm and had a cast on I told you to come over when you got your cast off and we would make some cookies. I have a picture of a happy little boy and girl taking their cookies from the oven. Through tears I wish it were that easy to make you happy now. Everlee Rose will be big sister one day and because of the memories you are sharing you are teaching your friends and family an invaluable lesson of how precious life is. If only there was something we could do to lessen your pain. xo

  5. Rhonda i just read your blog , my heart aches for you , wish i could make it all better for you , i feel in my heart that things will someday get better for you guys and Everlee Rose will be a big sister !! love you both very much ..xoxox

  6. Vicky said exactly what I was thinking: your doctor mentioned your weight simply to give you something to focus on day to day. It’s like needlepoint or running or learning to make piecrust–something to do while your heart heals. I clicked “Like” on this not because I like anything that you’re going through right now; I like the fact that you WROTE. And your phrase “see past the moon to tomorrow” tells me that you have a gift for words. They will get you through. It’s been eight years since my husband died at 38 and I wrote all of the feelings down as I was experiencing them. I haven’t cracked those books open again, but I know the feelings are there if I ever want to remember and see how I made it through. My heart aches for you. Everlee will always be a part of your life.

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