I’ve had this entry written for a few days. I haven’t done that with any other blog. Usually I post them immediately because I want them to be the raw and emotional account of this period in my life that they have been thus far. This is different. I considered not posting this, because I know it will upset some people. But this blog is about honesty emotion and hurt. This is how I am feeling at this juncture in my life. Many people have praised me for writing this blog, citing that it may help those who have gone through this who can’t find their voice. If that’s true, then I can only deduce that others have these same questioning, angry feelings about God that I do right now. So I’m posting this. If you want to debate the existence or love of God I ask that you first search deep inside yourself and ask if you were in my shoes would you really react any differently?
This entry may upset some people. I’m prepared to deal with that. I am not, however, prepared to debate it.
I feel like I have been standing on the precipice of writing this entry for awhile now. Maybe it’s all of the fanfare surrounding the appointing of a new pope, or maybe it’s just my complete exasperation with people continually telling me that this hell I’ve been subjected to is part of Gods plan, but I really feel like it’s time I got this out.
I have always had a relationship with God. I was born and raised a catholic and the church has played various roles – sometime a supporting role, and sometimes a starring one – in my life. In my teen years, my search for God led me to many wonderful people who have helped shape who I have become. My faith has always played a part in who I am and has guided me in making many of life’s major decisions. I have never been showy about my spirituality, so this may come as a surprise to some. And although I have not been an active member of a church for many years, I have lived by the mantra that hands that help are better than hands that pray. Not that I stopped praying, I just decided to devote myself to God in service in a more literal sense through volunteerism, than the figurative sense being spent in church for an hour each week.
But through all of this, I can’t help but wonder, when people tell me this was all a part of God’s plan, what kind of monstrous, spiteful, vengeful God could ever rob my baby of a life she deserved? She will never wake me up to be fed at 3am. She will never squish buttercream icing between her chubby fingers on her first birthday. Her eyes will never light up at the sight of presents under the tree on christmas morning. She’ll never walk into a school for her first day of kindergarten. She will never have her nightmares kissed away by her mommy who loves her more than anything or anyone. If that was God’s plan – if he PLANNED this – I want no part in him. I want no part in a God conspired to take my baby away from me; a baby that I prayed and hoped and wished for every moment of my adult life. My Everlee.
There are a lot of things that are really hard for me to swallow when people say them, one is when people suggest “You could always adopt”. I think adoption is a wonderful, beautiful thing. But at this moment, it’s not a consideration for us. That is a last effort for us. And to me (again, what people say and what I hear are two very different things right now) I hear them telling me to give up and that I have no hope of ever having a biological child. The second is that “God has a reason for this” or this is “Part of God’s plan”. I don’t often side with my husband when it comes to matters of the church, but in this case I agree with him – either I need another God, or God needs another plan.
I don’t foresee that I will search for God, or for a divine answer in all of this. As with all of my questions in this utter tragedy, I don’t think that there are any answers. If there is a God out there, something I am doubting for the first time in my life, he’s going to have to prove himself to me.
What I do believe in, what I have more faith in now than ever before is the goodness of people. People have reached out from everywhere to support us. There have been people who have been there my entire life who have gotten closer, people who had left my life who have come back and shown me that love is never lost, and people who were always on the periphery in my life, who have stepped up when I have needed support the most. My faith is now, at least for the time being, in love, and in humanity.
Rhonda, I understand exactly how you feel about God. I too have had many questions that there are no answers for. I prefer to live my life the way I was raised, to take the bible as a set of instructions for living a decent life, to be kind, compassionate, and treat people and situations as I find them, not to pre-judge and to treat people the way I would like to be treated. How a loving God can allow such terrible things to happen to so many good people I find hard to believe therefore I choose as you to find other ways than spending time sitting in church. Your “Mantra” is inspiring and I will take it as my own. I truly believe in my heart that you and Darcy WILL have another child and that you will never ever forget your precious “Everlee” and that you will tell your future children about the sister they do not get to meet and they will know her through you and Darcy. Be strong and remember that there are a lot of people pulling for you and sending all their love and suppport.
This blog I believe is very powerful Rhonda and beautifully written. Obviously you have taken your time, to get your opinions out just perfectly. I agree with every word of your writing. I questioned myself, so many times, on why this could have happened to our dear little Everlee. So unfair, so cruel, is the only words I can think of. In this blog, I see you coming to the top of the water, and fighting with a new spirit. I am thankful you have so many friends and family that are helping you and Darcy on this journey, that you walk, sadly alone. Even though we want to be there to help you, to look after you, this is not what you want. There is only one thing you want and that is your baby Everlee. So we will help in the only way we can, by listening and staying close to the phone, whenever you feel like talking. Maybe this is why I have such a hard time saying “Goodbye” on the phone, because, I want, what you want, your child to be happy and to be close to you at all times. Don’t forget we love you, McMom, Mom and Grandma.
IAM WITH YOU RHONDA …AMEN
This may shock you because people call me a Holier then thou type christian, i hate they class me as that, but i guess thats what they see because well i attend church every week…
Rhonda , my love, this was the first question that came to my mind, How can God allow this to happen to Rhonda and Darcy? They would be such awesome parents, God knows they have wanted a child for so long, they would’nt be the type to beat their kid, deprive him/her of anything, the child would be loved and cared for, my heart broke for you both.
I dont have any answers as to why this happen, they say everything for a reason, but what reason would it be…i dont think i believe that anymore..
i love you rhonda and i am here for you.
I find this blog so powerful and raw and real, thank you for sharing it. I think when awful tragedies happen in our lives we all must ask the question you pose in this entry. I find this idea that awful things are part if God’s plan maddening. What kind of loving God is that? I’ll pass thanks. I thought I’d share my perspective on this as it has helped to see me through my own life and will hopefully be of some small encouragement to you now or at some point down the road. God never promised us that life would be without hardship and tragedy if we believed in Him. What God does promise us is that He will be with us through everything when it seems there’s nowhere to turn and no one to turn to, He is there for us to rely on if we call upon Him. He loves us above all things and sacrificed His own son for us all. God is love. He does not set out to hurt us, it’s not part of His plan for the most awful things we can possibly imagine to happen to us; that does not mean that He can’t do wondrous things through our pain. I’ve seen you write about them here in this blog, gifts to Ronald McDonald House, support to others who may be dealing with or dealt with similar tragedies, reconnecting with loved ones and people (like me) whom you’ve never even met. These are all from God. God didn’t plan your tragedy, but He is with you and working a miracle in your life and others through Everlee.
Rhonda – How could God be so heartless and take a child from her mother? How could God take the promise of bright future away from from a young child? It doesn’t make sense how we view Him as being so divine and good yet, fill our lives with grief and suffering. There are no answers to the loss of Everlee’s innocent life…none whatsoever. It’s unexplainable; we are all experiencing disbelief. Just know we feel your heart ache and we are all here to help you get through each minute, each hour and each day.
Yes. The first thing my professor taught me in my first philosophy class was this: We cannot complain that life is not FAIR, because life doesn’t promise us anything. Fair only applies when there is a promise of evenness or equality or deliverance. I think that premise is true and it makes life tough for people who believe in a god that has a master plan. Things like this happen. There is no more logic behind them than a meteor hitting one spot on the globe instead of another.
I don’t believe in any god outside of ourselves. I think each of us holds a piece of god inside, and it is our work in life to open ourselves up so that it gets shared. It is our job to keep that spark alive. You are experiencing mercy, kindness and love from people and that is grace.