Greetings from the South

It’s amazing to me how each minute without Everlee has continued to drag on and feel like an eternity, but the days and months have flown by. Today, she would have been two months old. Instead of snuggling her late at night, I’m sitting on a sunny balcony in Florida relaxing after a morning of shopping (postpartum shopping is depressing). I’ve had a great week. Not happy, but peaceful. Rejuvenating. I’ve been able to relax and not worry about judging eyes, but there is never a second she’s not on my mind. We went to the Kennedy Space Centre yesterday and I just wish Darcy was able to share his excitement for the place with her. Everything I see and do I just wish more and more that she was here with me so that I could show her the world and experience things through her eyes.

I didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to see families with their little girls here. But I wasn’t thinking about that when we booked this trip. It’s bearable, but it’s just one more reminder.

We went down to the hot tub last night and met a number of different people and I was asked for the first time if we had kids. I was instantly sick to my stomach. I knew I’d get the question eventually. I was preparing myself for it. But the instant knot in my stomach. I don’t think I could ever describe it. I simply answered (choked) that we had one daughter, but she passed away. The woman said she was sorry for our loss and that was that. But it hung in the air over my head for a long time afterwards. This will be my answer to that question for a long time to come. I wonder if it will ever get any easier?

We leave on our cruise tomorrow morning, so I will be in radio silence for the next week. I’m hoping that the new experience will bring some happiness and some genuine smiles, big at the very least I hope I will continue to relax and maybe get a little more sleep if I’m lucky.

In the meantime, happy two month birthday to my beautiful baby girl. I live very moment for you now. Mommy loves you, Everlee.

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5 thoughts on “Greetings from the South

  1. Dear Rhonda and Darcy
    I read your blog today with mixed emotions. I am so happy that you are away and trying to give yourselves a little bit of peace and so sad, that you are so lonely for your Everlee. I am afraid this is what happens when you are a parent. You want the best for your children. You want them to have nothing but happiness and new adventures. Unfortunately, that is not what was written in our plans.
    Everlee was the most desired child, by so many people. Her Mom and Dad could think of nothing else, so it is not unusual, that in such a short time as two months, you still find it so painful and hard to think of anything else. You wanted to, and would have, given her everything and shared the world with her.
    I have always believed in fate and believed there is a reason for everything for all my life. But losing Everlee has shattered that for me. There is no reason out there why we shouldn’t have had Everlee in our lives.
    What I would like as your Parent, is for you to keep going as you have been for the last two months, trying to put one foot in front of each other. Have a little peace and enjoy some small moments together. I hope the cruise brings you some new experiences, new laughs, and new spots to think about Everlee, so that when you talk to her every night before you go to sleep you can tell her some new stories. Let her see her Mom and Dad laugh, try a new food, walk on different sandy shores, feel the warmth of blue ocean, feel the heat on your shoulders, Let her see that you are trying to carry on. Every child wants to see their parents at their best. That is the greatest gift you can give her now, let her see her Mom and Dad with a smile, even for a few hours a day. The Mom and Dad, Everlee felt and heard for those months, when you carried her below your heart. Like Everlee, we will await to hear your stories. We love you, your Mom and Dad.

  2. She is with you no matter where you go Rhonda. Always beside you every step.
    let the sun in, let a smile out if you can. love you

  3. You handled that question beautifully. It will get easier each time you answer it. Then one day, a person at the table will say, “I lost my daughter, too” and you’ll both be so glad that you met each other.

    We went to Kennedy last year for the launch of the Mars Curiosity Rover–such a fascinating place. It reminded me of how tiny my life is in the big picture, but how important it is that I can live as a human and experience all that that brings.

    I hope you enjoy the cruise and some sleep!

  4. Darcy and Rhonda wishing you have a wonderful cruise and you both can have some Happy Days.

    Love Aunt Mary and Uncle Paul.

  5. The only thing that got me out of bed each day for the first month was knowing that Caleb would want me to keep going. I see him everywhere now-in the sunshine, the breeze…I even smell the scent of flowers that filled our house after the service, though there are none around. Your daughter loves you and wants to see you happy. I’m glad you are by the ocean. Somehow, being on the beach makes me feel closer to God. Maybe because I feel so small in comparison. It seems like even though the world feels so big, when the waves are crashing I believe for a few minutes that it will all make sense, even if I cannot see the whole picture in that moment.

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