Nightmares

I slept for about 3 hours last night. That’s one of my better nights I’ve had at home. But the nightmares keep coming. Every single night I dream that I’m back in that hospital room. Every single night I relive those horrible 16 hours but in the end I never get to hold her again. Not even for a second. All I need is one more minute. Not even my own subconscious can give me that.

Last night also I dreamed I went back to work. I have those nightmares a lot, that I’m forced to go back before I’m ready. I was in a seminar about something and started feeling completely overwhelmed and started breaking down into tears, so I excused myself to the washroom. When I got there a bunch of people I knew from various stages of my life were there – old teachers, ex boyfriends, high school classmates. They all started to verbally attack me. Each of them took turns pointing out all of the things I did wrong while I was pregnant.

“Why did you travel so much?! Don’t you know that’s what killed your baby?!”

“I saw you eat that turkey sandwich, didn’t you know sandwich meat would kill your baby?!”

“You shouldn’t have pushed yourself so hard, you killed your baby”

“You’re so fat! You killed your baby”

“You killed your baby”
“You killed your baby”
“You killed your baby”

Not even when I sleep can I get a moment to breathe. It’s no wonder why my mind doesn’t let me sleep if this is what it has to face.

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12 thoughts on “Nightmares

  1. Rhonda ,I wish I knew what to say to ease your mind and give you some peace!! The only thing I know to say is you did” not” kill your baby honey!!!! Everyone knows how excited and happy you were to see this beautiful baby girl ,your Everlee!!
    I won’t say anymore because I know you have heard it all and need to work this out on your own!! If ever there is something I could help you with be sure to ask!!!Your twitter friend!! xx

  2. Hi Rhonda, I was sent to your blog by a dear friend of mine. I have spent the last two days reading “and feeling” your pain. I too lost a baby girl “Maggie” . Even though it was twelve years ago and I went on to have two rainbow babies (both boys) I feel the pain as if it was yesterday reading through your blog. I have no great words of wisdom but want you to know the thing that got it through me the most was reaching out to others with similar loss.

  3. That is a horrible nightmare. It’s like swimming in poison when you most need rest. I am so sorry that you face that. I’m not a psychologist, but I would guess that you are going through something similar to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder–where your brain has been popped over into this zone of horror and can’t pop itself back. It’s not your fault, it’s just how brains work. There are therapies for PTSD patients that not only help resolve the nighttime anxiety, but also help with daytime anxiety as well. Has your therapist mentioned any cognitive dream therapy?

      • It’s nice to know my crazy has a name. I’ve been through a lot. My body has been through a lot. I’m really glad I have someone so great to help me through this.

      • I stopped sleeping when Richard was dying and my therapist helped me so much (Lexapro did too, even though I was hesitant to take it). She talked about how my brain had just worn itself into a groove with the anxiety and it would take some engineering to get it back out of the groove. She was right, and it gave me such relief.

  4. If i could give you anything it would be your daughter back and these night mares to be done with….nightmares are horrible on any night but likely worst thru this. Love you lots and always here

  5. If i could give you anything it would be your daughter back and these night mares to be done with….nightmares are horrible on any night but likely worst thru this. Love you lots and always here

  6. I just came across you blog and I know it can’t mean much coming from a stranger, but I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious baby and for the suffering you are going through with the nightmares :(. Sending love your way

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