I’ve spent the majority of the week between on the verge of tears and on the verge of having some sort of violent emotional explosion. I’ve really been feeling the strain of being alone for so many hours of the day with nothing to distract me but my thoughts and the incessant drone of Netflix (currently consuming Gossip Girl at an alarming rate – mind Doritos at its finest)

I’m torn between thoughts of my beloved baby girl, and a growing hatred for my doctor and a loathing of my inability to convince her to allow us to proceed with fertility treatments because of my weight – well my BMI.

And the more I dwell on that the more angry I get. Yes, I’m carrying extra weight. I always have and I always will. But I had a baby three months ago – of course I have weight to lose right now. But aside from that, if BMI is supposed to be an indicator of other health issues. But my (non pregnant) blood pressure is perfect. My cholesterol is perfect. I have no signs of diabetes. Doctors ask me if I run marathons with my heart rate. I’m healthy, isn’t that the important thing?! I honestly feel so frigging helpless in every single aspect of my life. I’ve lost 6lbs in the last 7 days, and I still feel just as stuck.

I’ve been trying to get out of the house a little more, I’m told its good for me. But every time I do I just end up feeling more horrible. I want to curl into a ball in my bed and cry more and more. I miss my little girl so much it hurts. The more time that passes the further I feel from her and I don’t know what to do to keep her close.

The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown


3 thoughts on “Further

  1. I have nothing to really add. Just a *hug* and a reminder that people are there. No matter how alone you feel or how alone you want to be. Just off to the side, always within reach, are people who love and care for you and will be there just in case.

    Go ahead and curl up into a ball and cry for awhile. It might not help. But it won’t hurt. It lets all that stuff you are holding inside come out all at once. If it gives you 5 seconds on peace before it all piles on again then it was worth it.

    I’m sorry there isn’t a way to fix this instantly to bring her back. To kick that doctor so far out of medicine she wouldn’t be able to sell band aids. To just make things right. But there isn’t and the people who know you and care about you are signed on for the long haul. You aren’t alone

  2. Your doctor is wrong but she is right. You need to heal before you begin fertility treatments. Body and soul. Your body needs time before it is asked to perform. You have to restore the nutrients pregnancy takes. You need sleep. You need to get your feet under you before asking them to carry you down the fertility path. This is not time wasted, this is time preparing. This is a marathon.

    I disagree with your doctor and I think the message you’ve left the office with is toxic. But not entirely wrong.

  3. Dear Rhonda and Darcy
    Thank you for your call tonight. It always makes us feel good to hear your voices. I have so many mixed emotions when I read your blog. How I wish we could help you both in some way, but it is a path you have to walk alone. You have so many good friends and family that are willing to walk along side of you, so it is comforting to us, to know you have help with your journey.
    I am probably the exception to the opinion, that your Doctor is not in her right frame of mind. I believe that she gave you the gift of life, when she helped you conceive Everlee. She gave you so much joy and excitement for a brief time. That is what she is trying to do again. I don’t agree with the way she gave you the news/ultimatum of your weight lose, but I do believe you will be healthier when you have lost your weight. I am not criticizing your weight. That would be like the pot calling the kettle black. I have struggled with my weight for years, so I know the concerns you have. But I do believe, that you are a woman that has just given birth and your body needs to adjust before going through your treatments and then pregnancy again. Give your body , the same chance you gave Everlee, a Mom that gave everything she had for her baby. You can do it. Look at what you have accomplished in one week. Down 6 pounds, going for walks every night for exercise, breathing in fresh air, to make your whole system, be whole again. In one way, I don’t think you will ever feel whole, because of the loss of Everlee, but when I think of that sweet, beautiful doll, my Granddaughter, I know, she would not want to see her Mom and Dad suffering so. No child, wants their parents to suffer. Dad and I have even went to the weigh in clinic at the hospital something, I never thought would happen. Dad said, we will try and do this for Rhonda and Darcy. We are walking beside you, every step of the way, trying to help. Darcy, please get some help with your back and try to let some of your anger flow out with a treatment. I hope you take my comments with the intent they are given, that we love you beyond the moon and back, and that we want you both to be healthy, when you start your next journey. As always, love and hugs to you both!

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