One Step Forward

I had a really nice time tonight with a friend. Quiet and lovely and they knew exactly what I needed to make me genuinely smile for the first time in a long time.  I left feeling like maybe I could start having more moments like that and that maybe I might be ok sometime in the future. 

On my way home I decided to stop for some subway as a treat for my supper. As I stood in line the woman behind me asked me very politely if I knew how many calories were in my sub because it looked really good (it was a veggie sub on flatbread). She seemed nice, so we started talking about weight loss, and food, and dieting.

A few minutes in, she told me that she just had a baby and she was trying to lose the baby weight and that her baby is five months old.

 I told her that I was doing the same. 

 Then she asked me how old my baby was. I swallowed hard. I couldn’t lie. I swore I would never ever ever lie about Everlee. I said she would be 4 months old. But she passed away. 

The poor woman felt awful. For a few seconds she couldn’t speak properly. She stuttered, and stammered out an “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ask so many questions”. So I, naturally, started to console her and told her it was ok, she would have no idea. After a few more seconds she finally said “My friend who was pregnant the same time as me. She went in the morning of her C-section at 9 months and they discovered her baby was stillborn. Then she had to deliver the baby.”

“Almost the same thing happened to me.” 

She felt awful. She tried to apologize. She put her hand on my arm and said “God has a reason for everything” but I just couldn’t take it any more. I had to leave. I just looked at her and said “It’s ok”. and I went to my car and burst into tears. 

To anyone reading that it might seem like a simple exchange. To me it was excruciating. Every single word was like a knife in my heart. I hate that the only story I have to tell people about my baby is that she died. I hate that talking about her makes other people so uncomfortable. I hate that every time I take a teeny step forward, my feet are taken from beneath me I stumble several steps backward. I hate that she’s not here. 

It amazes me on a daily basis how many people advise me to turn to God to help heal my suffering. It amazes me how many people tell me that God had a reason for Everlee dying; that this was somehow part of His plan.  I always wonder if those people would have such a simple answer if their child died. If they would find comfort in knowing some man in the sky had planned to rip their child away from them? Maybe some people would. But I certainly don’t. What’s the reason? What was his reason?  I’m glad that it can bring others comfort, but not me. With everything else that I have lost, my faith and trust are among them. 

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5 thoughts on “One Step Forward

  1. They just don’t know what to say. It comforts them to think there are reasons because chaos is terrifying. You will have more good moments than bad one day. It has been no time at all, even as it feels so endless.

  2. I know tonight felt like 2 steps back.. But I don’t see it like that. You talked about her..You shared your story a little more to a stranger.. you went to your car a cried but you talked about her. That is a step. A step forward and you still honored her memory. I’m glad you had positives tonight. At least at the start of the evening. But I think you are moving forward better than you think. Not beyond her.. But with her. Always.

  3. Im glad tonight you took a step forward! If you take a step forward each day, each day will get better. We hope-
    I love that you had a great evening at the beginning though, you are surrounded by people who love you

  4. Rhonda, I know it hurts to talk about precious Everlee, but keep talking about her. I talk about Mason daily, and it has helped. At first I would cry at the mention of his name, then I would get choked up, and now I can talk about my baby with a smile. When I talk about how he was born sleeping I do still tear up a little, but it is because I love him. Everlee’s life needs to be shared. It was about a week after Mason was born that a woman asked me if my daughter was my only child. I thought about it for a second and I told her that I have two children. She is my Angel here on earth and I have an Angel in Heaven. She quickly tried to apologize and I told her there was no need for an apology. I had already debated this question in my head before it ever came. I wondered how I would answer. I refuse to deny my son, so I have to include him. As you should Everlee. You are a mommy. She is your daughter. You should share her life with anyone who will listen. If they ask questions, they should be ready for the truth.
    I wish people did not reply with it was God’s plan and stuff like that. This is a time in which we need to find comfort in God. But everyone is saying that God has a plan, or God needed and angel…is not helping the matter much. At first I blamed God. I could not understand why he took Mason and the three babies before him. But I know that God did not. He did welcome him with open arms into His Kingdom though. People should just say they are sorry instead of trying to make excuses for our losses.

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