Still Loved.

It seems every time I open my facebook lately I’m faced with pictures of pregnancy and newborns. I’ve gotten beyond trying to block them from my newsfeed. There’s too many. They hurt. If someone had asked me last summer how I would cope if my baby died I would have said “I wouldn’t”.

I’m not unhappy for anyone else. 

I’m just jealous that it’s not me. 

I love my pictures of Everlee. I love looking at her little lips, and her cabbage patch nose. I love looking at her little fingers. Her big eyes. And it hurts me that I can’t put those on facebook. It hurts that I don’t have them hung on my wall. I won’t be able to put them on my desk at work. It hurts that I have to have her footprints as my profile picture, and not her sweet little face. I’m not ashamed of her. I would show her to the whole world if I could.

But some people can’t handle it. Sometimes just telling people about her leaves me feeling like I’ve sucker punched them. Dead babies make people sad and uncomfortable. Stillbirth is still such a taboo. I accept that, and I’m ok with it. It’s just one more of those “mommy” experiences I don’t get to have with her. 

I’ve not just lost a baby: I’ve lost a toddler, a school girl, a teenager and an adult daughter. A whole potential life has gone. The only tangible reminders I have left are pictures, as well as her footprints and hospital bracelet. I don’t even have a birth certificate.  These are – and always will be – my most treasured possessions.

If someone had asked me last summer how I would cope if my baby died I would have been wrong. Even now I can’t believe I’m still standing after giving birth to death. 


5 thoughts on “Still Loved.

  1. I cant imagine the feeling, but i know some day soon you will be holding her brother or sister and you will see her in their eyes and fall in love all over and over again with your 2 kids. But, it isnt fair that this has happened to you, it isnt fair and it makes me so angry

  2. You are beautiful, and so incredibly strong. Everlee would be proud of you for going on with your life, as much of a struggle as it may seem on particular days. I’ve had dreams about you, and Everlee, and I truly believe you will make her a big sister someday. Everlee was amazingly beautiful (like her mommy) and absolutely perfect. I’d love for you to share with me the photos you have of her someday. Whenever you feel ready to do so. I love you so much, and I’m here for you.

  3. I would also love to see pics of Everlee, I am sure she was a beautiful baby… Maybe you could post some on here, show off her photos to those of us who are here for you forever!!

  4. Rhonda, I have just spent the evening reading every single entry of your blog. Tears have fallen while reading many of them. my heart goes out to you and Darcy. no one can imagine what you’re going through but as you say, day by day one foot in front of the other. No one should ever have to go through what you did, it’s not fair. you are an amazing women and you’ll learn to cope one day. you were the one that always made everyone laugh or was always there if anyone need you at MI. much love to you.

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