It only hurts when I breathe

I think that I am starting to accept that I will be sad forever.  It is my destiny to grieve.  I mean shouldn’t I?  I have a child who has died.  Should I not be sad until the day that I die?  And it is just starting to dawn on me,  I should be sad.  I should be sad every moment of every day.  How peculiar would it be if I wasn’t sad for my Everlee?  How cold and heartless would I be?  Instead of worrying that I’m still sad, I should worry that some day I might not be sad…as much as I desperately want the sadness to go away, the sadness means that she was real, and that she mattered. 

I know that at some point I have to allow myself to be happy, or at least that’s what my psychologist tells me. But I’m not there yet, and I’m not sure I ever will be. I have cried every day and I don’t know if the tears will ever stop. 

So often I go around feeling like I am alone in my misery, with Darcy. I don’t know many people (and I know nobody my own age) who has gone through this kind of tragedy. I don’t often get to see people on the other side of this Everest of pain. It seems sometimes that no one remembers that I was pregnant, and that there was a living being here on this earth that looked just like me and Darcy.

People forget that every day, every minute, I pine for that tiny soul, my sweet Everlee.

People forget that shoving their big bellies in my face, or their newborns reminds me of how broken and lost I really am and what I’ve lost, and what I may never have again.

Its human nature to forget, maybe that’s a good thing. I don’t know.

Out of sight, out of mind, I guess.

I can’t begrudge them (even if secretly, occasionally, I want to poke them in their perfect world).  

And just when I thought that every last soul on this earth (except Darcy) had forgotten that I had a precious baby once too, someone comes along with a nudge to tell me they remember.

Thank you Cathy, for giving me what many others could not.


6 thoughts on “It only hurts when I breathe

  1. I wish I knew the words to say here because my thoughts are contradictions.. You will always be sad. Thats the simple answer. There will be a knot in your stomach forever. It will be worse some days than others. You will wake up some days and cry for no reason at the drop of a hat.. You will go days where you are just fine. As the time goes on those will come more often. You will learn to function and you will smile and laugh and sometimes you will feel guilty and other times you will enjoy your life because you deserve to.

    I’m coming up on 3 years since we lost Dad in a few weeks. There are days that I feel just like I did the day he died.. Like I can’t even function. I can’t think or react or do anything. I feel guilty being happy. I feel sad to be experiencing all the things he is missing out on. Even something as simple as a movie coming out I think he would like or seeing his grandson grow up.

    I know my own experience isn’t yours. I’m not comparing my loss to losing Everlee. The things she never got to see and experience and the firsts you will never get to share with her are all unique to you and you will live with them in your own way.

    She isn’t forgotten, people don’t want to forget.. No one knows what to do.. Just like you don’t. Do they hide their happiness from you and leave you excluded, or include you and open all too fresh wounds. There is no answer,
    People will make mistakes but I can promise you, at least in my case, but I am sure I am not alone. We aren’t going to go stop trying or go away or stop being there for you in whatever way we can be.

  2. There is not a day, that I have not thought of you and Darcy. I agree with all the comments said by Rob and Terri. There will be moments of happiness. Everyone has to look forward to that including you. I wish there was a support group that you could go to that there is woman/men in the same situation. If not, why not start one, even if at your house for a cup of tea. You can do it, look at all you have accomplished. Just keeping trying. We are in your corner! Love McMom/Mom. Everlee’s Grandma. PS: The roses are starting to bloom in Everlee’s garden.

  3. Hi Rhonda,

    We don’t know each other however I came across your blog and just had to respond because I can identify with your pain and anguish. I have been going through the exact same situation and having the exact same feelings for the past 2 months. I had to deliver my daughter Anvi stillborn at 31 weeks in April. She was my first pregnancy – a much wanted, much loved baby. I developed problems with the placenta because of which my baby wasn’t getting enough nourishment.. She was IUGR (Intra uterine growth retardation)and measured almost 4 weeks behind.. I also developed quick early onset preeclampsia which was too much for my baby. My doc didn’t diagnose the preeclampsia, didn’t diagnose IUGR either so it was a huge shock for us when she told us there was no heartbeat just 1 week after my perfectly normal prenatal appt. Obviously, I’m changing doctors if I get pregnant again.
    I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel isolated, no one your age has had to go through this… I feel a similar wave of anger and jealousy when I see pregnant ladies or women with their perfect babies. I have also questioned my faith a million times in these last couple of months. But then I remind myself that after all , nobody’s life is perfect.. in the end, we all have to accept the hand that we are dealt. Some people are born lucky, some are not.. we are sadly one of the unlucky ones..
    We can only change / try to change the things that are in our control.. The rest, we just have to leave it to destiny… easier said than done.. I know!

    I hope you are able to find some peace soon and have more good days than bad . I am so , so sorry for your loss.

  4. “the sadness means that she was real, and that she mattered”
    When I read this, I started to cry… its been almost exactly 2 months since I lost my little babe. It never gets easier. You never forget what you should have with you… you never forget exactly how old they would be today… I really don’t think it’s a loss you ever truly get over, or let go of…. our experiences were very different.. but I feel like we are struggling with a lot of the same things… both mothers to little angels.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s