The flashbacks happen less frequently now then they used to. My new mom brain must block out that part of me for most of the day as I try my damnedest to be the best mother I can be to Finnegan. But in the nighttime, when the house is quiet and my little rainbow is tucked snuggly into his bed sometimes those monsters come creeping back.
Tonight, just now, I was stood at the sink washing bottles from the day when one hit. The scent of flowers.
When Everlee died we received so many beautiful arrangements. Though we only waked our little girl for one afternoon the room was filled with dozens of beautiful (mostly baby pink) bouquets. After the funeral was over the manager of the funeral home asked us what we would like done with them. Apparently most families are kind enough to donate the flowers to seniors homes in the area, or to sick patients at the hospital.
I made my family load each and every last arrangement into their cars to bring them home to my house. They were Everlee’s flowers and I would be damned if I was going to give them all away.
For what seemed like an eternity every flat surface in my house, on both levels in every room there was a flower arrangement sitting in a lovely glass vase. At first they were comforting. A bit of colour in my sombre grey world. But slowly, as the days passed they started to wilt, and fade and die. It was morbid, and it was gross and it was depressing. But I held on to each and every one of them. It felt like I was watching what was happening to my heart and soul play out in the withering petals.
One by one I had to watch them go. Every day I was saying goodbye to another arrangement and watching them get thrown in the trash and in the end I was left with just an empty glass vase, delicate but with little purpose. Empty. Exactly how I felt.
But I held on to them because they were hers. And they are one of the few tangible memories I have to hold on to. Each and every vase now sits displayed on the top of my kitchen cabinets. No one has ever asked about them, but that’s what they are. Memories that I can hold in my hands.
It’s thoughts like these that have lead me to be somewhat of a packrat when it comes to Finnegan’s things. He has outgrown some clothes and toys now. Things I could probably pass on to others who would enjoy them like he did. But I can’t. It seems silly after all of the anxiety of a high risk pregnancy has passed, I still find myself cautious that no tomorrow is promised to me as his mother. I want to hang on to each and every thing that he has worn and touched in case it may one day be the only memories I have of him. I have a beautiful, healthy, happy little boy, and my biggest fear in the world is that some day he’ll die too like his sister. It’s depressing to think about in context, but in reality it makes me enjoy each and every moment that I am in. Being his mother has been my greatest joy, even if I am a little nuts.
I really don’t think you are nuts at all, I have never lost a child but I still have some baby things of hers because what if some day she wasn’t here, I cannot imagine what you deal with!!
You are an incredible wonderful momma to little Finn
Your not nuts your a mum! We all hold onto memories of our babies and even as mine are 9 and 5 I still have so many tiny things because I can’t bear to part with them. Your boy is so handsome 😊
I read your blog with a bit of trepidation, worried as your McMom and Darcy’s Mom, that something had happened.
I can see the progress you and Darcy have made over the last few months with the joy of Finnegan coming into your lives, but also know that at all times Everlee is there with you in your minds and especially in your hearts.
I couldn’t ask for a better Mom or Dad to our grandson, than both of you. The way you have included us in pictures, little videos, and facetime, has lightened my own selfish fear, that I would not know our grandchild. The way you keep him so well dressed and entertained is such a joy for us to watch.
When I read about the vases, I thought it was so a sweet and yet a bitter sweet tale of what you are experiencing. The love for Everlee was so abundant with all the flowers and mementoes that were given to her and you.
Your thoughts about saving all the little treasures from Finnegan , made me smile. So many precious things, we saved for Darcy and over the years these possessions have given us a lot of pleasure to look back on. My heart almost burst with pride when I saw Finnegan wearing the same little sweater outfits and shoes, that Darcy wore. Someday, I hope some other Mom will be that gracious to you, when Finnegan choices his partner. But before that, I hope you will have so many fun and exciting times with Finnegan to put in your memory bank.
But right now I think what you are the feeling is the same feeling as every new Mom and Dad have. The fear and the anxiety that goes along with a new child also is accompanied by excitement. You have already gone through the most agonizing pain that is beyond the scope of most people to understand when Everlee passed away. I know you are both trying so hard, and I hope that your fear will never overshadow the joy of having Finnegan. When I see you both laughing and having fun is music to my ears.
All parents, including myself, still live with a certain amount of fear that is pushed back into our thoughts while still enjoying all the benefits of parenthood. I guess this is what it is like for us as parents. You think you can be done with worrying when your child grows up and is settled but it never stops.
Along with the excitement and joy, comes the hope that you will never have to see your child suffer or be in pain. To me, I have seen my children endure the worst torture. But, I have also seen both of your eyes shine with happiness when looking at your son. ! I wish with my whole heart that your eyes will always shine with happiness and Joy will surround you for the rest of your lives!
So you are not Nuts! You are a Mom and Dad! Love always, McMom, Mom and Grandma
You just made me cry and I don’t even know you!
If anyone is entitled to be a little nuts, it’s loss mamas. Have you thought about having some of his clothes made into quilts? It’s one way of keeping them and being able to enjoy them, rather than having them folded and stored away.