Here We Go Again

4 years ago this week I knew that Everlee was safely snugged in my belly. It would be weeks, of course, before the world knew she was there. But she was. She was my perfect little secret. Everything I had hoped and dreamed of my entire life. I remember the feeling that I had to protect that wee little life with everything I had.
And four years, the loss of my daughter, and the birth of my rainbow boy later here I am again. 16 and a half weeks pregnant for the third time in four years. My baby boy just turned two last week (where does the time go?!) and I’m expecting (and hoping for) ┬áhis little brother or sister to arrive in December.
Pregnancy will never come without risk or worry. It won’t come without anxiety. It won’t come without the complete mistrust of my body and everything it’s supposed to do or not supposed to do. Emotionally paralyzed by fear. But I have the important job now again, one that I failed at once before and one that I was successful with once before – to keep this wee baby safe in my belly. I’m scared. No. I’m terrified. But seeing my son, and now knowing more than ever everything I missed with my daughter, I know it’s the most important job I will ever have. Being Everlee’s mom, and Finnegan’s mom is the hardest and most rewarding job I have ever had in my life – so here we go again.