Time Bomb

I feel like I’m living in limbo. Part of my life is normal. I’m Finnegan’s mom. I go to work, I do day care drop offs, I work the birthday party circuit on the weekends, and life is everything I could hope for.
Then reality sets in. And someone asks me about my pregnancy, or admires my glow, or reaches out to touch my swollen belly. No one feels the absolute kick to the guts I feel when they say “wouldn’t it be nice if you had a girl?”. Because they don’t get it. They don’t know pregnancy like I do. They don’t even see it as the ticking time bomb it is. The one that that so meticulously needs to be diffused. One wrong move, one slip and life blows up and I’m left tattered and broken again. No one sees the scars, or the hesitation marks, no one knows all of the rebuilding that had to take place so I could stand here holding this new life inside of me, again. A storm of a pregnancy so I can see that rainbow once more.
And I feel so guilty that this is how I feel about my child. I love this baby more than anything but I’m so scared to acknowledge it and give it the excitement and the joy it deserves. I hate that I’m scared to death to buy anything for them, because all I can picture is another bedroom in my house being made into a living tomb like Everlee’s was.
And what if something does happen and I have nothing? No memories, or hopes of memories to hold on to, what if I’m left with less than nothing? Then what?
It’s exhausting trying to react to people in a way that doesn’t make them feel awkward around me me, but at the same time honours Everlee and what I have gone through to get Finnegan. What if I’m asking too much of the universe to have two living babies? What if I’ve tempted fate?
I’m not sure how to handle the anxiety and the fear and still be the best mother I can be.


3 thoughts on “Time Bomb

  1. Oh my dear Cousin no one but you can know the range of emotions you have daily from the amazing to the darkest of places only you yourself can know. But here’s what I know …. The strong person you are can beat those bad emotions to the place they deserve and relish the amazing feelings you have at knowing you and Darcy have created another life another little brother or little sister for Everlee to watch over. I know it’s easy for me to say these things but only a person of your strength could survive your loss and be the mom you are to Finn and are going to be to this bundle of joy.

  2. I can appreciate your feelings and anxiety surrounding a pregnancy after loss. I admire your courage to share your story and your transparency of your thoughts and emotions. I am nominating you for the Liebster Award. I hope you continue to write and best wishes. https://storysophia.wordpress.com

  3. Hello. I came across your blog today when I was trying to see if I could make my phone remember my daughter’s name instead of having it come up with red lines on it everytime I texted her name. I chose “look up” and the first thing it came to was your blog. Her name is Everlee Joelle. I started reading a little because I was curious, and I saw that your Everlee was stillborn. I had to message you because Everlee is my rainbow baby after having a stillborn son myself. My son Leander Michael was also stillborn on Oct 18th 2012. I was 39 weeks pregnant when I lost him. I only read a little of your story but I wanted to say hello because I felt a connection. Stay strong.

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