Healing Hearts

I don’t need a special day to remind me that she’s not here. The last month has been filled with more joy and happiness than I ever thought I’d get to experience again in my entire lifetime. Finnegan is my reason to exist. His little life gives mine meaning again. But her absence is never lost on me. I constantly wonder, especially in the wee hours in the morning when I get a chance to really examine every curve and line of his face while he eats, what would she have been like at his age? And if she was here, what would she think of being a big sister?
And just as quickly the reality of the situation hits me – if she was here, he wouldn’t be. I most likely wouldn’t have an 18 month old and a newborn. She is the reason for his existence. That stings more than you would realize. I wouldn’t give him up, not for anything in the whole world. But more than anything, I want her back. I want her here with us so our family could truly be whole. But it never will be. There will always be that deep dark void that can never be filled. Finnegan has shown me love that I thought I had lost forever, and sometimes he heals the gaping hole that was left in my heart, and sometimes he makes me so much more aware that it’s there. My heart will never be healed. Ever. Even if I had 10 healthy babies.
But being Finnegan’s mom, and being Everlee’s mom, they’re the most important and most rewarding jobs I’ve had. I miss my little girl so much, but it makes me treasure my little boy so much more.