Milestones

There’s going to be an empty desk in a classroom full of new pupils today. Amongst the excited faces, and the quivering lips clung to a parent’s leg

At St Peter’s Primary there’s one little girl who isn’t having her very first day of school. There’s no fresh scent of wax crayons, no tight pig tails, no chalkboard sign clutched tightly on the front step. There’s just a broken heart and a mother clinging to the hope that someone, anyone, realizes that she’s missing from that classroom.

I’ve tried everything I can to reconcile this milestone, but I’ve been so sheltered from the stinging hot lashes of firsts against my face that this one has hit me like a freight train. Part of me has tried to shelter myself from the all consuming pain that this milestone has brought, other parts of me have run into it like it was a burning building with everything I love inside. I donated a back pack of kindergarten supplies to what would have been her classroom. But I can’t bear to comment on any of the first day of school pictures. It’s taken everything in me not to scold people who lament on social media that their children have grown too fast, because at least they had the opportunity to grow at all. They’re creating memories while I’m stuck re-living the only 45 minutes I ever got to hold my baby over and over and over. And I feel like I’m right back where I started. I don’t know how to do this without her.

A special thank you to Mme Boland at St Peter’s who helped me in being able donate supplied directly to St Peter’s this week ❤️

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