Last New Year’s Eve I remember thanking the universe that 2013 had finally come to an end. What I can only hope will be the worst year of my life was behind me and I was looking forward to 2014 with all of the hope and anticipation of finally bringing home a live baby. 2014 didn’t come without its struggles. The first half of the year was filled with anxiety, constant fear, and doctor’s appointments. I celebrated Everlee’s first birthday without her, and I was constantly holding my breath waiting for my happiness to be ripped from my chest once again. But then Finnegan arrived. And he was safe, and healthy and happy and I finally could breathe again.
2013 was the year I died and buried myself in grief, but 2014 was the year I remembered how to live.
I have so much hope for 2015. I’ll be celebrating Everlee’s birthday this year in Florida, where I went to find some warmth in the coldest months of my life. But this time I’ll be bringing my own sunshine with me. I can’t wait to go on all kinds of adventures with Finnegan in 2015 and watch as he explores the world for the first time. Every day is a new beginning for me with him. He is my heart and my happiness.
It was an amazing Christmas season with family and friends from near and far helping me make it the most special first christmas for my little rainbow. Every step of the way I tried to make sure his big ister was included. I want to make sure her memory is always part of our traditions. From hanging her special ornament on the tree, to purchasing a gift for a needy child that would have been something I know she would have loved to have. Christmas isn’t Christmas without family, and she will always be a part of our holiday traditions.
Over the holidays I also had the pleasure of meeting Oliver’s mom. I wish I knew her name. I only know she is Oliver’s mom. I was at a christmas lunch and she was working at the venue. She recognized me, and she recognized Finnegan from reading this blog. She told me about her son Oliver who was born still in May. She said that I was an inspiration to her, and that she has read what I have written here and it helped her. I have received in the hundreds of emails, but that was the first time that someone has come to me from no where after reading this blog and said they were walking this same lonely path. Oliver’s mom, I want you to know that when I woke up on Christmas morning I was thinking of you. I know how painful the first christmas is. I was thinking of baby Oliver. I also thought about you on New Year’s Eve and wondered if you were also thanking the universe that the worst year of your life was over, too. I want you to know something. The grief doesn’t go away. But you do learn to live with it. It doesn’t get easier, per say, but it does get more bearable. I remember being in your shoes and wondering if I would ever make it to where I am now. You will. I want you to know you touched my heart that day. You were brave to tell me about Oliver. And I am so happy you did. I hope you found some comfort in Christmas. And I hope 2015 is for you what 2014 was for me.
Happy New Year readers. Here’s hoping that each new year is only better than the last.