I’d been anticipating it. I knew it was coming. But sometimes bracing yourself for the impact of the crash does more harm than good in the long run. Body stiff. Clenched. Waiting.

Damn you Facebook.

On this date three years ago I announced to the world that after long last, I was pregnant. 12 weeks along and expecting my first child. It was just after labour day when I posted the picture of her little gummie bear self, standing on her head. She was still safe inside of me.  She was so silly, my little girl. It would be one of the few pictures I ever got to share of her.

Seeing it this morning on my Facebook flash back was like getting a glimpse of the old me. The one who was still blissfully unaware of what an awful place the world can be. Before I knew what pain was. Before I understood heart break.

I miss that girl.

Three years out and I now exist somewhere between my grief and my life as a mother to two and a parent to one. A working mom who is missing a piece of her heart. Trying every day to make her children proud. And living every day with the reminders that life will never be the same again.

Brace for impact. Crash.