Tomorrow is going to be a bad day. I’m bracing for that. Tomorrow is the day we were supposed to induce and I was going to get to meet my sweet little Everlee for the first time. Tomorrow was supposed to be the best day of my life. Now I know it will just be another bad day.
But today, I feel like today could have good moments. It’s a small step. We started our morning with Miranda, our psychologist. We gave her the URL for this blog, so if you’re reading this, hi Miranda. This is me, in my most raw form. The me you don’t often get to see in our sessions. I hope you still think I’m strong after you read this. Our session today was helpful and for the first time I left feeling a little more hopeful than when I arrived. After such a bad day on Friday I was beginning to lose hope that I was going to get to try to have another baby as soon as I wanted. Miranda listened and understood my point of view on why I want to try again sooner than 6 months from mow. Not monumentally sooner, just sooner than 6 months. She said she’s willing to support us in going to our doctor with that. That is honestly the best thing i have heard from anyone since this whole nightmare began. That’s the first thing that anyone has said that has started to ease my mind and my pain. That someone is willing to help me become a mommy, for the second time, without questioning my mental state – or my weight for that matter. Today has had good moments. I’m going to build on that and try to get out and have lunch with a friend today. Baby steps. One foot in front of the other.
After this weekend, I needed this morning. I buried myself away from the world this weekend. I can’t make a habit of that. It’s not good for me. My mind plays awfully funny tricks on me when Im given too much time alone. It’s not good for who I am. I am far from antisocial. I thrive on people and energy from a room. Being alone, being hidden, like I did this weekend weakens my soul. But I was broken and my mind was haunted with horrible thoughts. I’ve started to wonder if my baby girl felt any pain, did I hurt her in any way. I also started questioning my friendships, would my friends who are all blissfully happy right now even want me around bringing them down at the happiest points in their lives? But I have amazing friends, and I know if it was anyone of them going through what I’m going through, and the roles were reversed I would do whatever it takes to try and make them feel whole again. And I know now my friends want no different from me. I’m going to try and stop distancing myself from them. My world is a shattered place to be right now, but I need to my friends to be there when I’m able to pull myself from the rubble.
Saturday morning I woke up around 5am and read on twitter abut a man who had been swallowed by a sinkhole in his own home, from his own bed, in Florida that night. Strange as this may seem, I don’t think I’ve felt more connected to anybody than I did to him in that moment. His whole world had literally fallen out from underneath him and swallowed him whole, and figuratively, so had mine. Tragically, he hadn’t been able to claw his way out and dig his way up and find his shattered life, but I can. I have that hope. And although my life will never been the same, and that gaping hole will always be there right in the middle of my life, I have the hope that I can continue on and find a way to live with it. Everlee is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I can’t keep living like the only thing she ever did was die. Her death will always haunt me, but her life, and the life and love and hope that she brought to me and her daddy will always be her legacy.
Her death was a sudden sinkhole that swallowed me up, but it’s her memory and the light that was her life that will help me claw my way back to the surface.
Wonderfully written Rhonda. I am so happy you are starting the tiny steps. Bit by bit, day by day it will get better. I think of you and Darcy everyday. Love from Aunt Mary.
Date: Mon, 4 Mar 2013 15:20:30 +0000 To: email@example.com
I know people who didnt wait 6 months and now she has 2 healthy beautiful twins, i belive in you, you can do this
Hi Rhonda, I feel your pain. Please know that a lot of people are thinking of you at this very difficult time. From my own experience the people around you will be your strength when you need it most. Rod
Oh, honey. “I can’t keep living like the only thing she ever did was die.” That’s the wisest thing I’ve read in so long. I can think of five friends who have lost an infant and each of them has found some way to celebrate their child’s life, not just remember their passing. One got friends to make baby quilts for each day of her son’s life then we donated them to the NICU where he had lived out his 56 days. One has started a golf tournament to raise money for the local hospital. One marks her son’s birth every year quietly at church. One has photos of her son and she keeps them in a special baby book, just like for her other two children. You’ll get there too.
May I link to your blog tomorrow? I was writing a post about the connection I had with a friend who survived the loss of a child and how his emergence gave me hope that I would survive my own sadness.
Fell free to link to my blog if you’d like. It’s nice to “meet” you Ashley.
And my name is Ashley.
Your blog today has given me hope!
Today, I saw a small flicker of light, in you Rhonda, a young Mom, that I have been very worried about. Even though I cannot call you my daughter by birth, I feel that after all we have shared together through the years, both happy, thrilling and devastating you and I have become very close.
I remember a day in the fall, when we were out taking pictures in the fall leaves and you were jumping around looking at a grasshopper and then trying to photograph it, but it was still making you nervous. I said “you can’t show you are afraid you are going to be a Mom” I think back to that statement now and think;
Rhonda. you are what I call, my brave little soldier, you carried on in what must have been paralyzing fear, not a peep out of your mouth, to deliver your Everlee, knowing that you could not keep her with you and Darcy. As a Mom you have shown endless strength as you battle to move forward in your life. You have faced so many obstacles, that a lesser person could not face. I have always known you were a people person, and needed them in your life, so when you mentioned today that you were try to go out, it was like a fresh breeze blowing over me.
I am so proud that you are giving us all hope as you move forward and try to push on when you are feeling lonely and lost. It is very brave and hard thing to do when facing friends, co-workers, family. You don’t want to make people sad or unhappy, but people want you to lean on them and recover, and they need to understand what you are going through. We are all trying to help you and Darcy, but in the end it is only you that can help yourself. That is what I saw today in your blog.
I look back at those words and think, Why can’t Moms be afraid? Why do we have to be so brave? just because we are a Mom.
All my life I have tried to be strong and brave for Darcy and now you, I tried to teach him to a good kind man and that he could accomplish anything and with hard work you can do anything. He has far exceeded my expectations. Then he went to Newfoundland, and he met you Rhonda, and fell in love. Some Moms’ are afraid of this, they are afraid of losing their son, but I wasn’t. I was so happy that he found you to love and have a life with. What I see, when we were together was a bond of strength between you, that I have never witnessed before. It was looks of complete pain and heartbreak, but it was a look between you two, that said, we will get through this together. Maybe I shouldn’t have witnessed that look, but I will forever grateful, that I did. You two have proven, that you are a Mom and a Dad and Everlee is your family.
You have let us experience so much joy in the past months, while we waited for your Everlee. We listened to her heartbeat, we couldn’t wait for even a little tidbit of news about the baby.
But,,, lately I have been afraid, because I cannot fix what you and Darcy wanted most in your life. Every blog, I have cried over, but today, I felt good. I know that both of you will survive and move on, to a happier spot. It won’t be easy, but I can now say, I am not afraid for my children, they will move ahead, a little bit each day, with the help of others and those people standing by you every step of the way. I will love our Everlee for Ever. Your McMom and Mom
Rhonda with every entry you write i see a little more of that happy excited shows no fear girl i met way back in grade school. You are a very strong wonderful and brave girl scratch girl and make that woman who may have had her time cut short with baby Everlee but she was very blessed to have both you and Darcy as parents. While the pain will ease with time your love of everlee will grow even more everyday. When any future McBabies come they will be blessed to have 2 great parents and the gaurdian angel Everlee to watch over them.