Sleepless Nights

She was a red head. You couldn’t tell that at the funeral home because of her little knitted hat, but she was. She had red hair, just like me. Red hair and huge eyes.

I’m done wishing the heartache will stop, because I know it won’t. I’ve talked to enough people now who’ve lived through this to know that the heartache will never stop, or even ease up just a little. I’m trying to learn to live with it. Finding new ways to cope, and survive with a gaping hole in my chest. I can only cope for so long before I start to crack and breakdown again. But everyday I get up, I shower, get dressed… I go through the motions and hope, just a little bit, that today will hurt a little less and feel a little less raw than the day before.

Sleep still evades me. I got a new prescription yesterday that is supposed to last longer than my other one. I took that last night along with four melatonin tablets. I was still awake at 1:20am… And I’m still awake now.

Friday night I awoke in bed around 1am with a sudden jolt. I sat straight up and couldn’t catch my breath. Afraid to wake Darcy (because the only reason his sleep has been suffering is because mine is) I quickly curled into a little ball in bed and tried to catch my breath and ease my anxiety. I had dreamed I had to go to work in the morning and I couldn’t bare the thought of being surrounded by so many people I knew all day long. Ad that I would have to complete all of these complex tasks and have people depend on me to fix their problems when I couldn’t even fix my own. It took about seven minutes for me to figure out that I didn’t have to work and that I don’t have to return to work for some time. I can’t even fathom the thought right now.

Friday afternoon I went out to coffee with two of my closest girlfriends. I arrived early (which I never do) because I was feeling anxious about being around them. Even though I knew neither one of them was there when I arrived I had to sit in my car for five minutes and calm my anxieties again before I even walked into the starbucks.

I feel like I’m lost somewhere inside of myself right now and I can’t find me no matter how hard I try. I’m just a shell of who I used to be, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find the me I used to be ever again.

While sitting there in the corner of starbucks a group of girls arrived one by one. The first had an infant carrier with her. A few moments after all parties had arrived she reached down ever so gently and scooped up a handsome little boy, no more than three weeks old. The same age Everlee would be. They took turns passing him around the table, cooing and kissing him. They discussed how the mother was feeling, how she was deprived of sleep. I have no idea what was going on at my table. I was so focused on this small child and the conversation around him. I was wishing, so desperately that the same conversation had been happening at my table. That we were passing Everlee around and that I was complaining about my lack of sleep from being awake with her, instead of being awake without her.

I must have looked crazy. I know they noticed me staring, but I didn’t care. I wanted to tell that mother how insanely lucky she was, and how I envied her sleepless nights. But instead I just sat there and tried to refocus myself back into my own conversations.

Maybe I’ll find myself somewhere in my sleepless nights.

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3 thoughts on “Sleepless Nights

  1. Oh Rhonda how I have thought about you when you have to go out and see other women with their babies and how gut wrenching it must be for you to sit there and watch. I myself try and put myself in your spot but I now it must tear your heart out. But again as you are probably tired of hearing, it will get better in time. You have to think of Everlee’s little future brother or sister and it will be you passing around him or her around the table. Maybe next year at this time there will be ”Kenadie”, or maybe Quinn. Or maybe you can dream of new names. I just know if there isn’t a baby here next year at this time there will be one in the near future. Then you will be happy being sleepless at night. Thinking of you each and everyday. Love Aunt Mary.

    Date: Sun, 10 Mar 2013 16:31:50 +0000 To: moran_61@sympatico.ca

  2. Hi Rhonda, I’m Greg Schroder’s sister, Megan. I met you at Greg and Mandy’s wedding. Darcy posted a link to your blog today on his facebook and I just read all your posts. I sobbed and sobbed for you. I’m so sorry for your heartache, but please know that you are the strongest, most amazing woman EVER. PERIOD. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us and being so open. I cannot imagine what it must be like for you to go through this. Please know that you, Darcy and Everlee are in my heart forever. I think about you three every single day since Mandy told me about what happened. All my love, thoughts and prayers to you guys.
    Love, Megan

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