To be honest, when I booked this trip I hadn’t really thought about the fact that it would be ending on Mother’s Day. I’m sitting in an airport in Ottawa right now awaiting our final flight home. It’s kind of fitting I guess that I would return on the day of all days that would remind me that I am a childless mother.
Don’t get me wrong. It doesn’t matter what day it is (Mother’s Day, Christmas, Easter, Tuesday.. ), I never forget that, I always remember what I have lost. But I guess my greatest fear is that those around me will try to forget it’s Mother’s Day so that they won’t upset me. And I don’t fault anyone who tries to do that. How could I? How could anyone possibly know what to do. From society’s perspective (and mine) I have gone through the worse thing that anyone could go through – losing a child. I guess all I can ask is that people acknowledge the fact that I am a mother. I don’t ever stop thinking about it, so you bringing it up isn’t stirring up any emotion that I’m not already feeling. In fact knowing you remember my precious little girl is even more comforting to me than you could possibly know. She is my everything and hearing you say her name makes her feel even closer to me.
I don’t ever get the opportunity to feel like a normal mother. Ever. I have tried to sit and talk to people about my experience in pregnancy and childbirth and people look away as if its something that shouldn’t be discussed. Do you want to forget the birth of your child? Neither do I. Ever. Every kick, every craving, every flutter, every moment of being pregnant brought me the greatest joy I could have ever thought possible. Being pregnant with Everlee was literally a dream come true for me. Please don’t deny me that. Let me share my moments of pregnancy and childbirth. They’re the only moments of motherhood I was ever given. Don’t rob me of that by pretending they didn’t exist. Motherhood is more than contractions, it’s a state of mind. From the moment we know that life is inside of us we feel the responsibility to protect and defend that human being with every fibre of our soul. But that wasn’t a promise my body could keep. But I’m not any less a mother. The longer I live without her, the more convinced I am that surviving this has changed me. All of the anger, the bitterness, the guilt, the despair..I look at it differently now.
So on Mother’s Day, help me not feel like what I feel like all of the time. I carried her. I felt her move. I gave birth to her. She is my everything. Because she isn’t here I don’t get treated like other moms. I need to be remembered too. I get why you might not want to say anything. I really do. But I already feel this huge void because I don’t have my daughter here to celebrate with me. Every time you pretend it didn’t happen it takes away some of the few moments if motherhood I have. She was still born. I am still a mother.
In the meantime, a lot of my friends are celebrating their very first Mother’s Day. So happy Mother’s Day ladies. Thank you for being amazing friends to me and amazing mothers to your children, thank you for being exactly the support I need in this saddest time of my life, while you are in the happiest of yours.
And to the two mothers in my life, my mom and mother in law, Everlee’s nanny and grandma: thank you for teaching me how to be a mom, even if my baby isn’t here with me. Thank you for understanding and supporting me through this hell and all of the other ups and downs life has brought me. And thank you for being amazing grandmothers to our angel.
Happy Mother’s Day everyone.