Fireworks and Rainbows

The worst year of my life is over. A new year has begun and I find myself in a very similar position that I was this time last year: pregnant. 13 and a half weeks pregnant to be exact. Over the moon happy, and more scared than I have ever been in my life.

I have been avoiding my blog since I found out, because I have been so scared to openly admit to the world (and myself) that Everlee’s little brother or sister is nestled quietly in my belly. But with a new year comes new hope. After every great storm, there is a rainbow. I am so grateful to be pregnant with my rainbow baby.

I’ve never had holiday season like this one. So grateful for the baby I’m carrying, and longing for the one that was living inside of me a year ago. Celebrating this baby that I am getting closer to bringing home, while still mourning the one I’ve lost. I’ve never had a Christmas that made me cry tears of joy and sorrow simultaneously. I didn’t realize how much sadness such a beautiful Christmas gift would bring.

2013 was hell in its most pure and raw form. But I am so thankful for your love, your kindness, and above all else your beautiful spirits that have allowed me to find my own spirit that I had so feared I lost in the beginning of 2013. In the greatest sadness, I found the greatest love. I’ll never forget the lessons 2013 has taught me, but I am not sad to see the year go.

2014 will bring many doctors appointments, lots of bed rest, a lot of anxiety and hopefully in June, a little healthy and alive brother or sister for my darling little girl.

Happy new year everyone. Cross your fingers and your toes and raise a glass. Here’s to hopefully happier days ahead.

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17 thoughts on “Fireworks and Rainbows

  1. I’m so thrilled for you Rhonda. I started reading your blog months ago and it wasn’t until you posted everlees certificate that I realized we “knew” each other a long time ago. You write so beautifully that I’m almost always in tears when I finish reading. Congrats on your rainbow baby. You deserve all the happiness that he/she will bring.

    Vanessa Stratton McGrath

  2. Rhonda and Darcy I think this new baby is a Christmas present from Everlee. I too am over the moon with happiness and excitement for Everlee’s little brother or sister. Happy New Year . Love Aunt Mary and Uncle Paul. Date: Wed, 1 Jan 2014 14:02:30 +0000 To: moran_61@sympatico.ca

  3. I dont know you but some how i came across you, ur family and your story of love and loss. You are a true inspiriation and i could not be more excited for you than if i myself had found out i was expecting a child. My eyes filled once again while reading this latest entry… but with tears of happiness. Congratulations!! You truly deserve a lifetime of happiness. Keep writing… keep smiling… and keep living for Everlee and the new addition to your growing family. Happy New Year!

  4. IAM SO HAPPY FOR YOU DARCY AND EVERLEE .. I ONLY WISH FOR ALL THE HAPPINESS IN THE WORLD AND A HEALTHY HAPPY NEW YEAR FOR MOM DAD And RAINBOW BABY ..LOVE YOU VERY MUCH ..XXXOOO

  5. I am so happy for you two! I wondered in the Christmas pics because you were drinking water! That’s my nurse part kicking in. Lol. I think you will be fine cause remember you did nothing wrong before. So rest but don’t forget to live and enjoy.
    Your cup runithe over!
    My best to you!
    Sherry Gibbs

  6. What a wonderful gift. My Christmas miracle is now 21 and the best daughter in the world. There is always light after a very dark time.Congratulations to both of you. Sandra

  7. SOOOOO Happy for you both. Have tears running down my face.I have everything crossed and wish you a safe and happy delivery of Everlee’s brother or sister.She will be watching over you all.Clapping her little beautiful hands.The warm sunshine I am sure is her beautiful smile. I wish you a Very Happy New Year and all the best for 2014 and many many years ahead

  8. I was wondering where you disappeared to… I’m so glad it was to a hopeful, new beginning! I know how scary and exciting and confusing it must be for you-I feel such a mix of feelings just thinking about trying again. I sincerely wish you and your family the best and will keep sending positive vibes your way from PA! Congratulations… and may you find all the courage you need to make it to the end of the rainbow this year!

  9. I have been looking for someone who been in same position as me.
    My name is charlotte I am 18 years of age I found I was pregnant in January 2013 due on the 1st September me and my partner was over the moon day by day passed my pregnancy was perfect not one single problem on 15 August I went for a check up I seen my little boy on the scan alive kicking and well I told my hospital midwife I was getting little period like pains she explained my body was preparing for labour we were so exited about 3 hours later the pains got worse I rang my midwife I left it about another hour I could not sit I was being sick I was screaming in pain I went straight to the hospital the didn’t see me straight away I was waiting about 40 minutes they put the heart beat monitor on they could not find his heart beat I was 38weeks pregnant they explained my placenta had rouptured and I gave birth to my boy at 11.46 he weighed 6 08oz the doctors don’t know what caused this still to this day I lost loads of blood I needed a blood transplant when I delivered my placenta it looked like it had been through a vice doctors said if I get pregnant same could happen again x just wanted to share my story with people who have been in same position and knows how I feel xx

    • Hi Chalotte,

      I want you to know that you are definitely not alone. The best thing to do is what you’ve already done—search out people with similar experiences—daily life can feel pretty lonely when you lose a child. I lost my son on Mother’s Day last year and we were only 2 days shy of his actual due date. My body also went into labour naturally, so when I arrived at the hospital I had no thought in my mind that anything was wrong with the baby. There is nothing so difficult as to walk into that hospital as a first time mom, not knowing what labour is suppose to feel like or what the process will be—assuming that the only scare will be the pain of contractions and delivering—only to have the rug pulled out from under you to have someone tell you that your baby’s heart is no longer beating. That your labour and delivery will not result in the living, breathing baby that you protected for nine months. To say you go into shock is an understatement. My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss and the traumatic experience that you’ve endured. I would be happy to talk to you if you ever need to…you may also find some comfort reading my story—my blog is walkwithrylan.com. I sincerely hope the new year brings brighter days your way. Hugs to you.

    • Your story sounds very similar to mine Charlotte. I am so sorry for your loss. I have found that reaching out to people I have met online had been so helpful to me as well.

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