The Ache.

I spend a lot of time looking at the pictures I have of Everlee on my phone. I wish I could show them off to people, like any mother would. My baby is beautiful. Perfect lips, her daddy’s nose and big eyes like her mommy. It’s one of the few physical things I have of Everlee; her pictures. I have one of her laying in my arms for the first time. Just her. Sleeping peacefully. I want so badly to show them off. Or for someone to ask to see them. But that’s not something you offer, and it’s certainly not something that people ask to see. So, I just spend the mind numbing, dark silent hours of the night staring at her and imagining all of the things I wish I had gotten to share with her.

People don’t know how to talk to me right now. My psychologist pointed this out yesterday morning. I didn’t need her to tell me that though. I can see how uncomfortable people feel around me – terrified they might say the wrong things or searching for the perfect thing to say. I’ll let you in on a secret. There is nothing you can say or do at this point that’s going to make me feel any better. You can’t bring Everlee back any more than I can. As much as I wish I could, or you could. And that’s really the only thing that’s going to make me feel any better right now. But please don’t be afraid to talk about her. Use her name. I love to hear people speak her name. It might make me cry, but it breaks my heart more to think people wont speak her name.

People seem most content to share their stories of loss or grief with me, and although I know that losing a parent or grandparent is hard and heart wrenching, I honestly don’t think it can compare to losing my child – a parent losing any child. It’s hard to say that to someone who is trying their best to comfort me. Losing someone like that, like a parent of grandparent, is the natural order of things. Yes, often parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles are taken much much too soon. But nothing will ever compare to losing your own child.

Your children are supposed to bury you, that’s how the world works. I never imagined in my life I would have to watch that teeny tiny casket being laid into the ground by her daddy. The only thing, he pointed out, that he ever got to physically do for her was carry her to her grave (words that will haunt me until the day I die). I never thought I would bury my child.

What I need and what I want is people that aren’t afraid to be around me. I need to start taking small steps to get out more, to see and interact with people. The thought of it makes my chest tighten, and makes me labour every breath. I get a hot, tight burning at the back of my throat. But my biggest fear is feeling like a chore to others. Im not easy to be around right now, and I know this. And I know I make people feel guilty. Two of my Very best friends in the entire world have both given birth to beautiful healthy babies in the last two months. I feel awful talking to them because I feel like I’m taking some of their happiness from them. I don’t want to ruin this time for them. I love their children so much and I don’t want them to feel an ounce of guilt for being happy. I don’t want to bring anyone else down. And I know that no one else can really help bring me up.

I’m so far down I can barely tell which way is up.

My arms ache with emptiness.

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16 thoughts on “The Ache.

  1. Oh Rhonda… I think the your pictures of Everlee would be amazing… A beautiful baby girl in her mom’s arms… I can’t think of a better picture to see…

  2. Would love to see the picture, Rhonda. It’s a shared moment every mother treasures and picture I (we) will hold close to our hearts passed our dying days.
    Everlee
    Everlee
    Everlee…
    I speak her name and write it ad much as you’d like to hear and see it!

  3. Dear Rhonda and Darcy:
    I cry when I read your blog. I can’t say, I know how you and Darcy are feeling. I have never lost a child. People have tried to give us hope too, that they know someone in the same situation, and I want to scream, “but it is not your baby”. I know they are being kind and trying to help but,,,,. It is our darling Everlee, the baby that her grandparents hoped and dreamed about.
    I die a little bit when I read about your sorrow, because as Darcy’s Mom and your McMom, I can’t do one thing to help you. It is a journey, that you both will have to do together. What I have witnessed is the love between you and Darcy that has intensified in your need to help each other. I do believe you are right, that people don’t know what to say, so they start to pull away. But your true friends and family will always be there for you, but even to them you will have to ask for help. It will be hard to ask for help, because again this is another situation, that you and we are unfamiliar about. But you must keep trying to help you heal a tiny bit.
    I cherish your baby Everlee, I cry for her. I wanted so much for Everlee. Teaching her crafts, sewing, making cookies and spoiling her too bits, when you guys were not looking. Her name is both Unique, Beautiful and Feminine, just like her. Naming the baby was so important to me (as you know, when it was a constant subject between us) I never meant to keep asking, I just was enjoying the moment so much.
    As I held her in my arms, part of my heart went with her, and I would have gladly given it, to let you and Darcy have her.
    We will be there every step of the way, even though we are far apart in distance, we are only a call away, and we will be there for you if you need us. Love Mom/McMom

    • Oh my heart aches for you Rhonda and Darcy. Also for my sister Kathy, who so much wanted her first grandchild. I sit and read these blogs and baul. I would absolutely love to see a picture of my beautiful niece ”Everlee”. I would love to have a copy for myself if possible. I think of you and Darcy daily.

  4. Oh Rhonda, I’ve been where you are now, except I have no pictures only the ones in my memory. You are right people don’t know how to approach you, they are indeed afriad and scared. It hurts so much I remember being in the bank a month after my boy was born and my friend was coming toward me but when she saw me she turned the other way, I never felt so hurt. It didn’t stop me from talking about my sweet Kerry Joseph, and you have pictures I think you’re so blessed to have those. Develope and frame your favorite one. Create and album , Everlee Rose was here and still is in your heart, She is what makes you and your husband parents, yes parents, and if it makes people unconfortable to see the pictures or talk about her that’s thier loss, I promise one minuite at a time, one hour, one day at a time. You will make it even though it seems so dark right now. I don’t know you but I sure do admire your spirit. I will continue to light a candle and pray for you and your husband. Cling to each other, cry together, you’ve never needed each other more. Hugs Rhonda.

  5. I know when we lost Dad how weird it was to talk to people. I’ve tried never to be “weird” when we talked. I know my loss doesn’t compare to yours. I know how mine felt though.. How it felt like the entire world was kicked out from under me and I didn’t know if I should just fall or hang there.. If I should give up and let the darkness take me or fight and claw and scream to get away from it. I hated everything. But that was me. Your journey through this horrible time is yours. You aren’t alone.. and I know that is no real solace because at the same time.. you are. Search for your peace. The people who love you will be here waiting if you need them, and they will still be there if you don’t.

  6. Rhonda, I want to see your pictures, but even as your McMom, I was afraid to ask, afraid to cause you pain, .I also want to read Darcy’s eulogy so I can remember every word, as I desperately tried to do that day, I want to read and reread your words and his, so I can keep the loving words about Everlee in my heart forever. So please, when you are ready, I want to see our Darling Everlee Rose again. Love you

  7. Rhonda, I love that you are able to use your writing as an outlet and I hope it brings the sister that I know and love back to the surface. She may never be the same, but I want to recognize you again, see you smile and mean it.

    I wish I could ask you to see pictures of my beautiful niece, but I just can’t bring myself to do this. I won’t make excuses, you know why I can’t and I hope you understand that 😦 . What you may not know is I too have precious pictures I look at on my phone of your precious Everlee Rose. I have every ultrasound pic you shared and my absolute favorite are the ones you allowed me to be present for. That fateful monday just 24hrs before our lives fell apart. the nurse tried desperately to show us her face but she insisted on putting her toes in the way. In my almost 31 years alive, that would have to have been the happiest day of my life thus far and you have no idea how grateful I will forever be for letting me be there with you and Darcy. She will never be forgotten and we will speak her name proudly for the rest of our lives. After all, I made a promise to you to be the “Best Auntie Ever” and I aim to keep my promise to Everlee Rose. After all if it wasn’t for her I wouldn’t be an auntie 🙂

    I love you and will be here for you and will never turn away. I love you Rhonda and nothing will ever change that.

  8. Rhonda,
    Thanks for sharing her picture with me, she is a beautiful lil girl, a angel now. Time with her was much to short i can imagine and the ache you feel is something i have never felt nor do i ever wish to feel…
    Everlee is a part of each and everyone of us, we knew her as McBaby and i couldn’t wait to wake up and see that tweet or facebook message introducing her to the world, i wasn’t prepared for the facebook and tweet that i did see though. i was at work and i ran to the bathroom with sobs stuck in my throat, i stayed there and cried for a long time, i couldn’t bear the thought of this happening to you guys, i know how long and how badly you wanted a baby, it makes me ask WHY so many times, we don’t know why she had to die, she was much to perfect for this world i believe that.
    I think of you each and every day and i made a promise to myself that i will text you every day and let you know i am thinking about you.
    You are a beautiful writer my friend, so beautiful how you make the words flow.
    I am here for you anytime and anyway you need.

    Love you

  9. Hi, Rhonda. I’m a total stranger who just stumbled on this blog post because I was looking for other people who write about “loss.” Your words moved me so much I had to say hello. I’m glad you have pictures of your daughter. Everlee is a beautiful name and it deserves to be spoken. I’m glad you have people around you who love you. They can’t know what you are feeling–even Everlee’s dad had a different experience than you did. Keep writing about your baby and your feelings. I’ve learned that with grief, the only way out is through. You can do it. It’s going to hurt, but you can do it.

  10. Rhonda, I would love to see pictures of your sweet baby girl Everlee… No matter what you are her mommy, and that little girl was loved from the day she was conceived, and she will be loved and remembered forever… We are all terrified to ask, as it is a very private matter, but for those of us who were not able to attend her memorial, it would give us some piece of mind to see the wonderful daughter that you and Darcy created together out of your love for each other!!! Jason and I and the girls love, and are in awe of how strong you are and will be be together!!! XOXOXO

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