If I’ve learned anything in the past month it’s that life goes on around you, whether you chose to be present for it or not. For me, time has all but stood still. I’ve lost all concept of time. Even days and nights are interchangeable. There is only one clear divide. Before (with a capital b) and After (with a capital A)
It’s been a month since I felt her wiggling in my belly. A month since I watched my belly dancing. A month since I wished her good morning. The minutes seem like hours and the days seem like months. But time is flying by. Each click-clack of the clock is an accomplishment. I have made it through another minute.
I don’t know what’s going on in the world right now. I’ve isolated myself from a lot of it. I hide things on facebook. Anything that reminds me of what life is supposed to be like right now. It hurts. I’ve been wanting to go to question period since hearing that the House of Assembly has re-opened, to try and resume some semblance of normalcy but I’m so out of touch with the world and it’s so hard to speak to people. World War III could have broken out, and I wouldn’t know it at this point. I’m awful at talking to people, and I can’t seem to make small talk.And what can I talk about…? There’s always this huge elephant in the room that we’re dancing around. People don’t want to talk about Everlee, about a dead baby. It’s uncomfortable. It’s awkward. Nobody wants to think that this sort of thing happens to people like me. It’s easier to just avoid it.
And life goes on around me. daily routines are slowly weaving their way back into others lives. People continue to live day in and day out, worrying about all the normal things people worry about. The news comes on TV every night, the mail shows up every day. All the while, I just want to go outside and scream to the top of my lungs to the world “My baby is dead – how can you go on like nothing happened?!” But I don’t. And time moves forward. click-clack.
Being Everlee's Mom 
MY SWEET RHONDA YES IT IS TRUE TIME GOES BY AND LIFE GOES ON BUT WE WILL NEVER FORGET THE BEAUTIFUL LITTLE EVERLEE ROSE THAT LEFT A HUGE IMPRINT ON OUR HEARTS AND WE NEVER EVEN MET HER , SHE HAS TOUCHED SO MANY LIVES …AND THATS WHY WE GO ON EVERYDAY …XOXOXO LOVE YOU BOTH
This is one time I can identify with how you feel. Watching the world carry on around you like everything is fine while that elephant in the room stands on your chest and crushes the life out of you.. For most people.. It never stopped. Life kept going.. They get up, go to work, complain about the weather, watch TV and its like nothing happened. They see reminders occasionally and feel sad but they have their own things going on. Right now your entire existence is on hold. At some point your life will restart, as it has in bits and pieces and then you will get up, go to work, complain about the weather and watch TV.. But it won’t ever be like nothing happened. Its coping. Its figuring out how to keep going when you want to stop forever and try to burn the memories and moments into your brain. Its been 3 years for me now. Almost every day something I see on TV or read online kicks me in the chest and I cry. But then I take a deep breath and carry on.. Thats where you will be. You will cry at different things, it will be minutes instead of hours eventually..But I have to encourage you to keep going. Keep pushing for that day that you can just cope. You are one of the strongest smartest and most determined people I have ever known. Its no secret that I love and respect you and watching you have to go through this has been agony.. I lost my point here somewhere. Basically. Don’t give up. You have time, you have family and friends who are there for you. There is so much you need to do on your own but for everything else you can rely on the support structure you have all around you. Just keep on going.. A little more every day..
Beautifully written Rob and so true. I couldn’t say it any better. Keep going Rhonda and Darcy. One minute, one hour, one day. We will be there for you.
Oh, your words have brought back a memory for me. Richard was diagnosed with leukemia on June 30th, and by July 1st, he was on a plane to Johns Hopkins for treatment. I had to stay here for a couple more days to get things in order, so I took him to the gate and he got on the plane. I stood there in the window until they lifted off, then I had this clear moment of “What do I do now?” I sat there and stared at the carpet for a bit, then hauled myself out of the chair to head home. In the concourse, a group of about 10-12 people were gathered around a news stand, all staring up at the cover of a magazine and discussing it. I thought, “Oh crap! I’ve been so out of the loop for two days. Something important must have happened!” I walked over there and read the headline over the heads of all those people: Brittney Spears is Engaged!!! A pic of her and Kevin Federline on People Magazine. I envied those people in that moment, that they had brain cells to dedicate to caring about that. You are own your own path and not many people have walked it. You can see all the other people on their paths, but you are on a different one. There’s no “right” way to grieve for Everlee, no time table that you have to keep. Just keep writing.
Maybe you should stand outside and scream. Scream and Scream and Scream. Love Aunt Mary.
Date: Mon, 11 Mar 2013 23:52:42 +0000 To: moran_61@sympatico.ca
I think I agree with your Aunt Mary. Maybe it is time to stand outside and Scream. Although I have not gone through the same grief that you are experiencing, I have gone through the death of 4 close family members in less than ten years. The first two within less than two weeks of each other, my dear brother to cancer at 56 and my father two weeks later to suicide,
leaving my 80 year old mother to deal with both losses, three years later the death of that mother and in another three years the death of my second brother to a sudden heart attack. A close family of six, cut down to two in ten short years. I still think of them every single day and miss them terribly but life has a way of stepping in and taking away the worst of the sting of loss. Talk about Everlee to whom ever will listen and that way you can keep her in your heart forever, but try to be as positive as you can. Everlee would not want to see her parents destroyed by her loss, she is watching from heaven and waiting for you to resume your life so she can be at peace.
Rhonda Keep write.. I think of Nick often and I know the world goes round but sometimes I wish it just stop, for a minute that minute that Nick was born…..God Bless you and Darcy..
Keep writing and scream, scream, scream! If you want to do something that you think will help you, even heal just a bit, even to help that lone minute turn into an hour – do whatever it takes. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, deep down your heart will help you heal. Follow your heart, do whatever it says. I have followed your request and given Olivia an extra squeeze for you. She’s asleep right now, but she’s probably just passed that squeeze on to Everlee in her dreams.