Why today? Why is today so hard? There is nothing special about today… My heart is broken all over again. I am sobbing. I want my baby back. She was my baby, she was my child, she was my daughter. I want to see her grow I want to see her run. I want to see her live.
Why today? Why has this come crashing down on me now?
This weekend, on the advice of my psychologist, I went out of town to try and get back to some of the things that used to bring me joy. The political party that I am affiliated with was hosting a youth retreat (normally something I probably would have been helping to organize) about 2 hours outside of the city. I was extraordinarily anxious about going there and had made a number of arrangements to ensure that I would be able to escape if I needed to, including making Darcy go with me. But I knew that I would be surrounded by people who knew me, and my situation, and they would be nothing short of supportive in my first venture back into the real world. And they were. I thank them all so much for that.
It was harder than I expected. In a room where I would normally be in control and vocal, I found myself reserved and confused. And when everyone went out later in the night, I went back to the hotel. My thoughts wouldn’t organize. I couldn’t focus. My words were coming out jumbled. I was just completely off of my game. But I was there. And that was a huge step for me.
But what used to make me happy, what used to bring me alive and ignite passion in me and make me genuinely happy just gave me a little fizzle.
Happy. What a foreign concept.
I look at pictures of myself 6 months ago and it’s like looking at myself in an alternate universe. I wonder if I will ever be able to feel that way again? I wonder if I’ll ever be able to pull myself out of bed in the morning without bargaining with myself. I wonder if I’ll ever close my eyes at night and just sleep ever again.
You see, with a dead baby and subsequent infertility, I find it hard to get up in the morning (and go to sleep at night) without feeling like a universal reject. By which I mean, kicked to the curb by the actual Universe. Application denied. Not genetically qualified. Unacceptable to procreate. Unfit to parent. Move along.
I’m told I judge myself much more harshly than anyone else, and that may be true, but what if it’s the universe that’s judging me?
Why today? Why everyday? Because I miss her. And nothing will ever change that.
I believe you knew this precious little girl before you came to this earth. She said to you in heaven, “I’m going to come to be with you for a very short period of time because that is all you will need from me to grow and learn to love! It will be very hard for a while because life really is painful! But I will be there in spirit helping you every step of the way! You see Mommy I only needed to grow a little bit! Now, I’m home again feeling more love then you could ever imagine! You didn’t do this to me! This was our plan and we will be together again because I Love You!”
I am bawling my eyes out with you, i also lost it on saturday night when i was thinking about you, we ask our selves so many times… why did she have to leave us so early in her life, why didn’t we get to see her monthly updates, her first smile, her first giggle, her first tooth, i ask my self this for you all the time, i could not imagine any better parents then you both would be and still are…
I am here for you no matter what time of the day or night hun. I mean that, i dont even have to talk, i am here to listen to you yell, scream and cry all the WHY’s …because truthfully life just sucks for you right now.
Oh, Rhonda. I hear you. That grief rears up on any random day. There really isn’t a WHY to it. It just IS. This makes me think of a conversation Richard and I had about a week before he died. We finally had a moment to ourselves and we were sitting out on the deck together. Out of the blue, he said, “You know….I can’t do this unless I know that someday you’re going to be happy again. You’re going to be you.” Then he joked and said, “At least TWO WEEKS after.” I still remember the exact pine trees that I was looking at when he sad it. All I could do at that moment was blow out a big guffaw of breath, like he was saying the most ridiculous thing. I said, “Well, I’ll always be me, but I’m going to be a sad me for a long time.” Then his mother walked outside and that was that. Sometimes I step out on the deck and I look at those pine trees and I say, “I got here. I got here.”
You and Everlee didn’t get to talk like that. You only had the time together while you were ONE. And now she is gone and you are here and it is so so so hard to be happy. That trip to the political meeting was a great step. It can’t feel right the first time you do it, just like it felt so strange when you spent an evening with your friends. You are walking on wobbly legs right now. You will get steadier and you’ll find a way to be happy AND be her lonely mother. Hell, I’m crying sitting here now thinking about Richard. I am a happy person with a very sad thing in my heart. There is room for both of them. Don’t rush it. Keep stepping out on your wobbly legs and telling your truth here.
I sure wish I could give you a hug.
I will not pretend that I know what you are going through but I wish things were different. I have just finished reading your posts and your words are amazingly powerful. I have no other advice then to say please Keep writing, keep going, keep hoping, keep believing, keeping remembering your beautiful baby girl.