It’s been awhile since I’ve written (for me anyway). These last few weeks have been busy (especially for someone who is currently on leave from work). My in-laws are in town visiting for the next few weeks so I’ve been busy preparing for their arrival. It’s been exhausting for me because I still have only about a maximum of an hours staying power outside of my house. I find it mentally exhausting to be around groups of people.
I went into work for a meeting this week. I was sitting in the hallway waiting for a few people when a faculty member stopped in the hallway and said to me “so was it a boy or a girl?!”. It gutted me. It took away all of the confidence I had spent the whole day building just to be there. I hate that even after 5 months I still get those moments. I know, because of the large circle of people around me, I’ll be having those moments for many months to come. It just doesn’t get any easier. It never does. No day has been easier than any of the others. There’s still an empty ache.
My memory book that I made for Everlee arrived last week. It’s beautiful, for what it is. I should be making her baby book. Writing down all of her firsts. Cooing over her drooley smiles and in awe of the smallest milestones. Instead, I’m letting big tear drops fall on the only pictures ill ever have of her.
I’ve finally started sharing our family pictures in the book with people. It’s painful for me to look at. My eyes in those pictures haunt me. They’re the same eyes I see in the mirror, I just don’t look at them now. But in those pictures they burn into me. So much sadness, hurt and heartbreak. All the while, the most beautiful little girl laying there sleeping, in my arms. What I wouldn’t give for just one more minute to feel the weight of her in my arms, or in my belly. Now all I’ll ever have is contained in just 20 pages in a hard cover pink book.
We built a new deck in our backyard over the last two days. I remember being so excited over the winter that we were doing this. I could just I true me and my little one out on the deck in the summer. Getting a kiddie pool to splash in. So many wasted plans, so much wasted potential. I’m glad to have the space out there, but it’s so tainted. Everything is. She should be here. She should be enjoying her first family vacation time. Her absence is everywhere I look.
I’ve gotten so good at holding everything together on the surface all while dying over and over again on the inside. Only so often do I let my emotions spill on to my cheeks in front of people (thank you large,ironed aviators).
The first time I’ve cried in public in a long time was this week. Darcy and I finally made it back to visit our amazing nurse K. When the elevator doors open on the case room floor my heart just about beats out of my chest. Walking in there I started to sweat. My chest felt tight. I was teetering on the edge of a panic attack the whole time. While we were waiting for her to come meet us, a woman poked her head out of the patient area, camera in hand and called out to her son “Adam, would you like to come meet your nephew?” She said with such a huge smile. And in that instant I hated her. It took everything in me not to scream at her. Why did she get to be happy? Why did she have all of those happy pictures on her camera and not me? And I cried, and cried and cried, and just like 5 months ago, K calmed me. She is the embodiment of everything a nurse, and a good person should be. I’ll never thank her enough.
So now I struggle to get through the next few days. Wednesday I go back to see the doctor. A new doctor this time, in the same clinic but a new doctor. I am 22.5 pounds down since my last visit and only 20lbs away from where they asked me to be. WITHOUT SURGERY, Dr Arsehole. .. I’m prone to those outbursts. I hope to have at least another few gone by Wednesday.
Sorry that this entry is a little scattered.After a day in the heat I have a sunburn and I’m sleepy. I hope the sun helps me sleep, but as the song goes, it’s a cruel summer.