I’ve spent the majority of the week between on the verge of tears and on the verge of having some sort of violent emotional explosion. I’ve really been feeling the strain of being alone for so many hours of the day with nothing to distract me but my thoughts and the incessant drone of Netflix (currently consuming Gossip Girl at an alarming rate – mind Doritos at its finest)
I’m torn between thoughts of my beloved baby girl, and a growing hatred for my doctor and a loathing of my inability to convince her to allow us to proceed with fertility treatments because of my weight – well my BMI.
And the more I dwell on that the more angry I get. Yes, I’m carrying extra weight. I always have and I always will. But I had a baby three months ago – of course I have weight to lose right now. But aside from that, if BMI is supposed to be an indicator of other health issues. But my (non pregnant) blood pressure is perfect. My cholesterol is perfect. I have no signs of diabetes. Doctors ask me if I run marathons with my heart rate. I’m healthy, isn’t that the important thing?! I honestly feel so frigging helpless in every single aspect of my life. I’ve lost 6lbs in the last 7 days, and I still feel just as stuck.
I’ve been trying to get out of the house a little more, I’m told its good for me. But every time I do I just end up feeling more horrible. I want to curl into a ball in my bed and cry more and more. I miss my little girl so much it hurts. The more time that passes the further I feel from her and I don’t know what to do to keep her close.
The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn’t bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says of our love for you.
~ Author Unknown